Gives Me Hope

http://www.givesmehope.com

I urge everyone to go and read the entries on this site. I started reading them at work today and had to stop because I was starting to cry because of the sheer beauty of the entries and the things people do to help others. It gives me hope in humanity.

P.S. Since I forgot to mention, Mike and I tested for our next belt level in Hap Ki Do on Saturday and we both passed.

Scar Tissue

We all have scars
Some are shallow, mars of the flesh
Some are deeper, scratches on the soul

And some are both
An outward symbol of the pain we keep hidden

Why do you do it?
Is it an outlet?
Are you screaming for answers?
Do you want the world to see?
Or are you just trying to escape?
Can you explain it to me?

I don’t understand.
Pain to destroy pain?
Self infliction that won’t fade
It’s twisted
Convoluted

But sense doesn’t seem to exist at times
Not when sanity is gasping for breath
Not when depression’s hands are squeezing

I wish I understood
How blood sooths hurt
How wounds could possibly heal turmoil

But I don’t


A/N: There are people in my life who suffer a great amount, they have to deal with things I wouldn't dare dream of on a daily basis. And yet sometimes I find myself wanting to yell at them, to scream at them to see that what they are doing is only hurting themselves more. But I haven't been there, I don't understand so how can I judge? How can I tell them to stop when I don't know what it feels like? When I have never been in that place when pain is the only thing that offers relief? What am I supposed to do? To say?

I wish I understood
but I don't

The Porcelain Doll

I’m not what you think I am

I’m not perfect

I bleed
I hurt

I’m insecure with childish fears that haunt me like monsters deep in the dark
I can’t do the things you want, my voice won’t speak, my throat won’t scream

I’m afraid of the dark but I can’t leave the shadows
I want to be free, light and careless but my heart won’t beat, my soul is leashed

I’m not who you think I am

Makeup to hide flaws
Cracked porcelain painted white
Lips stained vermillion

Is there anything underneath?
Or is it just stuffing
Molded with years, shredded with misuse
A rotten core

I’m not


A/N: I feel funky, I think it was the sashimi I ate for lunch. Don't worry though, I'm not all emo or depressive... just amusing my muses for a while. I don't even know what this means or where it comes from or anything...

Bad Food and Good Music

I have to say, food poisoning is not a lot of fun. After spending most of the day in the bathroom yesterday, curled up on the bottom of the tub or bent over the porcelain idol, I am quite happy I have managed to keep my few crackers and cream of wheat down today. (And no, for all those wishful mothers and siblings out there, I am not pregnant, keep on wishing. It's not happening for a while).

In other news, I really hope I start to feel 100% again soon since I have my next belt test for Hap Ki Do on saturday and am rather nervous. I have a lot of practicing to do before then! But this time I will at least get to practice with Mike again which makes me happy.

At least my favorite band came out with a new PV (promotional video) today so that cheered me up quite a bit.

And that is all...

Disjointed Thought

I can’t catch a thought

Words spinning and whirling through my brain

Dancing a tuneless jig on my sanity


There are sentences to be written

Words meant to be strung together

Letters joined until they give birth to a world unknown


But I can’t catch a thought

And all that comes out is this

Its meaningless

A Good Day

Starting off early I 'Pigged' with Mylan (I know that won't make sense to anyone but its an online 'community' sort of thing in Japan. It really is quite adorable and we love to go online together and run around causing mischief. Here is a picture of us, apparently I had a ghost so there are two of me in the room.

Then I realized that it was already 10am and I had to shower and be at my sisters at 11am for my nephew's Birthday. We made it on time though, and had yummy food and talked for a while. I have the cutest nephews Ever.

The Birthday Boy giving me a glare

The Birthday Boy's Big Brother.
Sadly we had to leave the party before cake (though I got to take a sneak peak at it and my sister is amazing. It was a dumptruck and very well done! I wish I could have tasted it!)

Mike however had a Jiu Jitsu tournament that started at 1pm so we had to rush over to our club (Brazillian Jiu Jitsu Fight Club) so he could change and get ready. He was pretty nervous as this was his very first Jiu Jitsu tournament but it ended up going really well. He was paired up against a 4 stripe white belt the first fight, and lost. But his second fight was against a different 4 stripe white belt and he won that one to get third place. He is only a white belt, no stripes yet, so that was very impressive. I was insanely proud of him.

This was the fight that he won.

Later we went out to Coral Springs where our friend Rodiel lives and has access to the community's private lake. It was a beautiul day and we swam for over an hour.

After that we all went out for dinner (Mike, Rodiel, Sumeet, Charmane and I) and it was absolutely delicious. Then headed back to Rodiel's house for a night of candy, beer and RockBand. It was lots of fun until about 1:30am when we all crashed and went home.



It was a good day

And that is all.

Beauty

I want to show you how beautiful you are.
I want to to get in your head and you in mine so you could see through my eyes and my thoughts and see what I see.

I know it doesn't change anything.
I know words are pretty and hard to believe.

But you are beautiful.
Inside, you glow.
You are strong.
You are kind.
You are hurting.

Outside you shine.
You are stunning.
You are vibrant.
Your scars are perfect flaws, signs of your life and who you are.

I wish I could make you believe but I know its not that easy.
But I promised I'd always be honest.
And I am telling the truth exactly how I see it.
No one is perfect.

Everyone has flaws.
We aren't all skinny
We aren't all curvy.
But I think that you are perfect for me.

Just being you.